this is what i wrote laste night. the only way to sooth my craziness is by writing about it...

so how am i feeling? i feel as if i just got of my spaceship to planet yellow. i look outside and i feel as if a nuclear bombshell landed and polluted the sky. well maybe the color of the night sky is from the mix of chemicals released by the rhondia hazardous waste recycling plant that is located not more than a 100 feet from my house. i notice the poigent smell of putrid toxic waste, but only when i leave the area and come back. i guess i get acclimated to the stench, thank-god. yes i live next to a chemical factory that burns hazordous materials. i am looking forward to going back to valpo monday. clean country air, well at least it's better than this air.

dad bought me (us) two air filters for christmas. i have one in my room and the other is placed not more than 5 feet from where daddy smokes almost all of his cigarettes while at home. i figure the fumes go straight to the filter, perhaps i should check it, it probably needs to be changed already!

i feels a little weird. i have such violent images going through my head of people wanting to attack and hurt me.

today i went to the mall, by myself. i wanted to treat myself to something. but i ended up charging like $60 for shit i really don't need. i must have some kind of shopping sickness. damn , that's one reason why i don't like going to the mall. i feel like a shopaholic. it'll probably take me next year to pay off my credit cards.

i hate having a cutsie babyface. i see people look and stare at me all the time. i hate it. i don't want to be looked at. i want to blend in with the crowd not stand out. someone complimented me on my sweatshirt, somebody talked about my babyface, kids stared and smiled at me. maybe they were smiling at winnie the pooh on my sweatshirt but still, it is annoying. remind me never to wear anything disney again.

ramblings from a crazy girl...

i have an eating problem, which usually alleviates itself when i am at school. people wonder why i keep no food in my dorm room.

i am an obsesive-compulsive person. i have many things, like having to wash my hands at least twice an hour on average, eating, drinking, shopping, and other random crap. i even play computer games for hours and hours. my mom was like that. and i do not want to become my mom.

i can't wait til i get back to valpo. i need to get away from being at home with a full refriderator, and nothing to do except watch tv.

i need self control because i have none right now.

maybe i need a boyfriend.

or maybe i just need to get back to school and back into APO, my fraternity. i feel a sense of belonging there, and i need to belong to something.

i have stupid fears about the future. most of them are financial, and others are about my dad. i don't think i can stand to live in this house with broken kitchen cabinets and bugs crawling around all over. if i can, i will get out. he says he can't afford to get things repaired or cleaned up. well i just don't think he cares enough about it or about my quality of life.

i'm not coming home on the weekends anymore. only if i have to, and only if i have to either lector at church or dog sit while he takes his florida golfing vacations. no more. i want him to make an effort to see me, make an effort to spend time with me, make time out of his busy schedule, not mine. work around me.

i played with wolfetta in the snow today. i bombarded her with snowballs and chased her through the yard, throwing snowballs, mostly missing, but sometimes i managed to get up close to her and i smashed the snowballs right on her nose hehe i bet that was cold. we both got a little exercise and had a little fun. we didn't get much snow though, maybe 1-2 inches.

a few days ago i finished reading a book called Life After Life by Raymond A. Moody, Jr. , M.D.

guess what is was about?

ha you're stupid if you can't. i can imagine eric scratching his head at about now.

so this clinical psychologist interviews and investigates cases of people who were clinically pronounced dead and who have lived to tell the tales of the afterlife. i find this quite amusing. because this is how i expect it to be.

basic elements are:
you die
you rise from your body, see everything in a 3rd person
......

stopped writing...

this is another funny short video clip. it is not sick. have you heard the expression:, "things are not always what they seem"? well this guy shows it. it's only your dirty mind...

Click Here To Download And View for a limited time only.

BTW, it is your last call to view the funny foreign deodorant commerical.

all compliments of ben baby!

have a good laugh for the day!

this is another funny short video clip. it is not sick. have you heard the expression:, "things are not always what they seem"? well this guy shows it. it's only your dirty mind...

Click Here To Download And View for a limited time only.

BTW, it is your last call to view the funny foreign deodorant commerical.

all compliments of ben baby!

have a good laugh for the day!

i am going offline. probably won't be back online til tuesday.

moving back to school