I have a student who is in the tenth grade. Every time I talk to her I am filled with a combination of sadness and joy. Joy because she is so special; she looks like a model in her pictures with blond hair and blue eyes with a trim healthy figure. Now when I see her she has uncombed hair and zits. She has cuts all over her arms where she has cut herself. She has what they call a borderline personality. When we see these people on the street we say "God, what a mess...isn't that a shame" and walk on...quickly. We don't see the beautiful little girl with straight 'A's. We see someone that looks dangerous (in her case, she is). She joined a gang at age 10 because her MOTHER sexually abused her. That's a switch on the same story we see at the hospital all the time. Usually it's the father. She is a whiz at chemistry and algebra II. Too bad she murdered people in anger and frustration under the orders of her gang members, black and white, that she had to have sex with to survive. She told me that she held another girl down while the gang raped the girl and then watched as one of them put a bullet in the screaming girl's head. She hates herself now. I told her she had an obligation to everyone that loved her to put it behind her with the aid of the medication and counseling. She seems to be relieved that someone could know her secrets and not hate her. I just like her and hope she is exagerating how much evil she has participated in. I wonder if she is making it all up. My gut tells me this one is for real. I talked to her today. She just received word that her alcoholic mother and her step-father are divorcing. She is very worried about her two younger sisters. The state wants to take her away from her family. The mother blames her for all of the family's problems. I want more than anything to help her, but I am afraid of getting to close to this one.

All this goes on while I try to teach her chemistry and world history. They seem to find it comforting to forget about their troubles for a while and hear something about the past that doesn't involve them and their problems. Will she ever learn to love herself? Some loads are just to heavy to carry.

Lee

Here's what I look like now, after working at the mental hospital for 13 years.