Had another one of those evenings where I mopped around in bed and laid around, cried, and felt terrible and about past, present, and future, when I should have no reason too. I need to be working my second exam, and I have no excuse.. I played my Sims2 game for an hour, ate dinner, briefly talked with Joe, and about his financial situation- a terrible topic, and then took a nap for an hour. I am in peaceful slumber and that mental state half-way of being awake and in dreams.. where you know you can lay in bed without any cares in the world.

But my heart kept racing and my thoughts kept racing through my head, mostly about a lot os stupid stuff, like the tv episodes I watched Sunday night, or the anxieties I have about my body, my exam, my career, my future. The beatles woke me up.. but I woke up about 10 seconds before the song starts...

Then as I walk out of the bedroom the white fat cat prince runs to the kitchen in anticipation and cries multiple times when he doesn't see any fancy feast wet food lying in his dish when he's got plenty all he can eat dry food. The grey cat follows me into the bathroom to whine and rub against me, and incessant meowing for his fancy feast. I imagine my kids will be somewhat similar.. but I hope they will have another parent to whine half the time.

A lot of it revolves around my current relationship, my living situation, and my hopes for the future. Funny , life it is something else.

Took a look at my legs in the bathroom and thought I looked beastly and couldn't remember the last time I looked down there and shaved, oh yes, it had to have been like half a month ago, and my legs looked like they hadn't been shaved all winter. Hairy!! I must be slowly becoming a man :)

I laid on the couch for half an hour. The plaid couch that I paid about $900 about 4 years ago. It has a sofa sleeper, but I'm afraid my last guest must have bent the steel frame out of wake, because it now doesn't come out and I cannot bend back the steel to get it to unfold. When I move, if I can move, I will definately buy new furntiture that is better and won't attract cat hair.

As I laid on the couch I could not get myself to get up and do anything, anything at all. It's sad. I kept looking at my bachelor's degree hanging up above my fireplace and the empty diploma frame for my master's. This has been a lot to accomplish in life, but what did I give up and not pursue that is going to affect my future and happiness in life? Why did I let myself go and not glue my friendships and relationships together stronger?

I want the American dream, just like everybody else. Well I feel that I worked hard to get educated in order to achieve it. Well where is it? I want to be able to afford my own place and have some money left over to enjoy it. I want to be married to a man who can contribute more than his fair share and provide for me if I should decide to be a stay-at-home or part-time mom. I want kids and and family and friends. My family relations are almost nonexistent.

At Easter we got together to eat and that was all. Family is not a dinner every major holiday, but it seems that way for me.

I guess it is what is is, and fantasize about marrying into a decent sized and close family.

What made me even more depressed is I think Joe does not have the motivation to provide these things for me. Love is Love, but Life takes more than love alone. My logical side has gotten me where I am today, and I'm going to count on it for the future.