Had another one of those evenings where I mopped around in bed and laid around, cried, and felt terrible and about past, present, and future, when I should have no reason too. I need to be working my second exam, and I have no excuse.. I played my Sims2 game for an hour, ate dinner, briefly talked with Joe, and about his financial situation- a terrible topic, and then took a nap for an hour. I am in peaceful slumber and that mental state half-way of being awake and in dreams.. where you know you can lay in bed without any cares in the world.

But my heart kept racing and my thoughts kept racing through my head, mostly about a lot os stupid stuff, like the tv episodes I watched Sunday night, or the anxieties I have about my body, my exam, my career, my future. The beatles woke me up.. but I woke up about 10 seconds before the song starts...

Then as I walk out of the bedroom the white fat cat prince runs to the kitchen in anticipation and cries multiple times when he doesn't see any fancy feast wet food lying in his dish when he's got plenty all he can eat dry food. The grey cat follows me into the bathroom to whine and rub against me, and incessant meowing for his fancy feast. I imagine my kids will be somewhat similar.. but I hope they will have another parent to whine half the time.

A lot of it revolves around my current relationship, my living situation, and my hopes for the future. Funny , life it is something else.

Took a look at my legs in the bathroom and thought I looked beastly and couldn't remember the last time I looked down there and shaved, oh yes, it had to have been like half a month ago, and my legs looked like they hadn't been shaved all winter. Hairy!! I must be slowly becoming a man :)

I laid on the couch for half an hour. The plaid couch that I paid about $900 about 4 years ago. It has a sofa sleeper, but I'm afraid my last guest must have bent the steel frame out of wake, because it now doesn't come out and I cannot bend back the steel to get it to unfold. When I move, if I can move, I will definately buy new furntiture that is better and won't attract cat hair.

As I laid on the couch I could not get myself to get up and do anything, anything at all. It's sad. I kept looking at my bachelor's degree hanging up above my fireplace and the empty diploma frame for my master's. This has been a lot to accomplish in life, but what did I give up and not pursue that is going to affect my future and happiness in life? Why did I let myself go and not glue my friendships and relationships together stronger?

I want the American dream, just like everybody else. Well I feel that I worked hard to get educated in order to achieve it. Well where is it? I want to be able to afford my own place and have some money left over to enjoy it. I want to be married to a man who can contribute more than his fair share and provide for me if I should decide to be a stay-at-home or part-time mom. I want kids and and family and friends. My family relations are almost nonexistent.

At Easter we got together to eat and that was all. Family is not a dinner every major holiday, but it seems that way for me.

I guess it is what is is, and fantasize about marrying into a decent sized and close family.

What made me even more depressed is I think Joe does not have the motivation to provide these things for me. Love is Love, but Life takes more than love alone. My logical side has gotten me where I am today, and I'm going to count on it for the future.

Tonight we visited the most awesome light display I've seen. I just *love* the teddy bears. I made my first youtube video too :) Clicky here to see my lame homevideo :)

http://www.peteyville.net/home.html

I'll probably have more photos to add after tomorrow...

An Overdue Visit

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nation
Friends of Freedom knew it was a special occasion.
Lady Liberty stood taller just off the shore
Her torch shining brighter than a few weeks before

But it wasn't the flame turning her cheeks all rosy
It was thoughts of Snowe, Feingold and Nancy Pelosi
And leaders from every side of the aisle
Who would soon bring the Bill of Rights back into style.

The Amendments had all hurried out of their beds -
Which was no easy task, they were nearly in shreds -
And they rushed to the window on papery feet
As a jolly old man flew right over their street.

"Could it be!?" they inquired as the roof shook and trembled
And they crept toward the mantle, peaceably assembled,
Just as someone emerged from the chimney with flair
In a shiny red suit, with a shock of white hair

And a top hat, and pants all in red, white and blue -
"Wait a minute," the Amendments exclaimed, "Who are you?"
"Don't be frightened my children," he said, "it's no scam.
"You can't have forgotten your old Uncle Sam!"

"Holy crap!" said Free Speech. "Stop right there!" yelled Bear Arms
And Privacy cried "Who shut off the alarms?!"
The Fifth remained silent, but Uncle Sam said
"We've been having some trouble, but Freedom's not dead."

The Amendments were cautious. "It's just been so long
"We've seen Liberty lost, we've seen so much go wrong.
"The President's trying to mangle and warp us,
"The Fourth is in tatters, so's Habeas Corpus!"

The old man sat down - he had had quite a ride -
But he told them "Don't worry, the Law's on our side,
"'Cause the nation's fed up and more people are crying
"For Justice and an end to illegal spying,

"And secret abductions by the CIA,
"And laws that would take women's choices away,
"And Gitmo tribunals and secret detention,
"And other intrusions too numerous to mention - "

"Not so fast," said a grinchity voice from above
And Don Rumsfeld pushed past the Fourteenth with a shove.
He was covered in soot and he looked kind of scary.
It seemed like his Christmas had not been so merry.

The Amendments said they weren't happy to see him:
"You tried to throw all of us in the museum!
"You've done so much the Constitution forbids!"
"And I would have gone on, but for you meddling kids!"

Uncle Sam told him "Rummy, your plans just won't do,
"So we've got a brand new timetable for you!"
And as Rumsfeld retired and crept into the night
The Amendments cried out "Have a good secret flight!"

From the distance they heard him reply with a snort.
"Bye-bye, Rummy!" they answered, "we'll see you in court!"
Uncle Sam rode the chimney up out of the room
And, like Frosty, he said "I'll be back again soon."

But they heard him exclaim "Oh, and just one more thing!
"This year, when the holiday bells start to ring,
"Try to honor religion. Honest faith can't be wrong.
"It's America, can't we all just get along?

"So, on Christian," he cried, "Muslim, Hindu, and Jew!
"On Quaker! On Shaker! And Atheist too!
"On Buddhist! On Taoist! And to show we're not chickens
"We'll file a few lawsuits defending the Wiccans!

"Your belief is your right, so get out there and savor it.
"Uncle Sam's not a preacher, and he doesn't play favorites!"
So this holiday season, whatever you do,
Warmest wishes for Freedom, from the ACLU.

I've class in a few minutes. I've been taking a break to blog about my life. I'm thinking that I'd like to have my friends over for the holidays (before or after). I'd like to put up my christmas tree, play some music, have a fire log burning in my fireplace, egg nog, and holiday food snacks, and play fun games. I so want my class to be over. Wouldn't that be a nice gathering?

I'm taking Friday and monday off work to work on my class term paper and take-home exam.

Tonight I have class and will probably go home to clean, take out the garbage, and maybe iron my clothes.
Tomorrow I have my class at IIT and will eat dinner in the chinatown area. I'm already salvating for it...
I'll work on and hopefully complete another topic of my term paper.. the overview of the august 14th, 2003 blackout.


I think everything is going to be ok. That's what my mom used to say to me when i got stressed out over college and feared failing. I have succeded this far.. I will succeed in the end.