Lol some people hate the town

Diary of a Demented Minnesotan




December 8 - 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by
shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.


December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to
find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
asshole is lying.


December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.


December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow,
I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.


December 25

Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God,
I hate the snow!

Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking
idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29

Snowed again. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?<SPAN December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. <SPAN The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted. December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES



1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat.




2. Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.




3. To avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat, use the sink.




4. To treat high blood pressure, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your arteries. (Remember to use a timer.)





5. A large mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.




6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.




7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and
while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and
she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her
head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant

STAR TREKKIN'

Star Trekking, across the universe
On the Starship Enterprise, under Captain Kirk
Star Trekking, across the universe
Boldly going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse

Lt. Uhura, report

There's Klingons on the starboard bow
Starboard bow, starboard bow
There's Klingons on the starboard bow
Starboard bow, Jim

Analysis, Mr. Spock

It's life, Jim, but not as we know it
Not as we know it, not as we know it
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it
Not as we know it, Captain

There's Klingons on the starboard bow
Starboard bow, starboard bow
There's Klingons on the starboard bow
Starboard bow, Jim

Star Trekking, across the universe
On the Starship Enterprise, under Captain Kirk
Star Trekking, across the universe
Boldly going forward, still can't find reverse

Medical update, Doctor McCoy!

It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim
Dead, Jim. Dead, Jim
It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim
Dead, Jim, Dead

It's life, Jim, but not as we know it
Not as we know it, not as we know it
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it
Not as we know it, Captain

There's Klingons on the starboard bow
Starboard bow, starboard bow
There's Klingons on the starboard bow
Starboard bow, Jim

Starship Captain, James T. Kirk

Ha-ha! We come in peace, shoot to kill
Shoot to kill, shoot to kill
We come in peace, shoot to kill
shoot to kill, men

It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim
Dead, Jim. Dead, Jim
It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim
Dead, Jim, Dead

Well it's life, Jim, but not as we know it
Not as we know it, not as we know it
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it
Not as we know it, Captain

There's Klingons on the starboard bow
Starboard bow, starboard bow
There's Klingons on the starboard bow
Scrape 'em off Jim

Star Trekking, across the universe
On the Starship Enterprise, under Captain Kirk
Star Trekking, across the universe
Boldly going forward, and things are getting worse

Engine room, Mister Scott

Ye canna change the laws of physics
Laws of physics, laws of physics
Ye canna change the laws of physics
Laws of physics, Jim

We come in peace, shoot to kill
Shoot to kill, shoot to kill
We come in peace, shoot to kill
Scotty beam me up

It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim
Dead, Jim. Dead, Jim
It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim
Dead, Jim, Dead

Well it's life, Jim, but not as we know it
Not as we know it, not as we know it
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it
Not as we know it, Captain

There's Klingons on the starboard bow
Starboard bow, starboard bow
There's Klingons on the starboard bow
Starboard bow Jim

Ye canny change the scourge jim oh see you jimmy
Bridge to engine room, warp factor nine
If I give her anymore she'll blow

Star Trekking, across the universe
On the Starship Enterprise, under Captain Kirk
Star Trekking, across the universe
Boldly going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse
Star Trekking, across the universe
On the Starship Enterprise, under Captain Kirk
Star Trekking, across the universe
Boldly going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse

Thought I'd share this.. it's cute :)

Why can't my cats bring me a beer from the fridge?!!!

BTW, I think these dudes need to get a girlfriend, and one that isn't a horse!

1) Man who run in front of car get tired...
2) Man who run behind car get exhausted...
3) Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok...
4) Man with one chopstick go hungry...
5) Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails...
6) Man who eat many prunes get good run for money...
7) Baseball wrong: man with four balls cannot walk...
8) Panties not best thing on Earth! But, next to best thing on
Earth...
9) War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left...
10) Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house...
11) Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night...
12) It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it...
13) Man who drive like hell, bound to get there...
14) Man who stand on toilet is high on pot...
15) Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement...
16) Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs...
17) Man who fart in church sit in own pew...
18) Crowded elevator smell different to midget...

another version